


The Unacceptability of Change

by Allerleirauh



Category: Sapphire and Steel
Genre: Community: trope_bingo, Gen, Genderswap, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 09:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allerleirauh/pseuds/Allerleirauh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something happens to Sapphire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unacceptability of Change

She is Sapphire. No, that sounds wrong.

He is Sapphire. That is equally wrong, and furthermore it sounds horribly repulsive.

It is a _thing._ Yes, everything about _that_ sentence feels right.

It tries out another one. It wants to _scream_. Oh yes, _that_ sentence seems perfect, and so it does.

***

It has been in this state of terror and confusion for exactly thirty-six days now. Somehow those thirty-six days feel like an eternity.

***

Before, everything had been normal. She had been Sapphire. She had been on an assignment with Steel and Silver, but something had happened, something terrible.

Afterwards it had found itself so completely changed it wanted to claw at its skin to tear it open. It wanted to turn itself into an amorphous mass of flesh and bone, eradicating at least the visible changes of its transformation.

***

When it had happened, there had been nothing more than slight discomfort. Something had been wrong, but at first the feeling had been just an annoying hum in the back of its mind. At that point it had been unaware of the nightmare its existence had become.

The first warning sign had been the look of wariness in Silver’s eyes, the look of unconcealed distress on Steel’s face.

“What is it?” Sapphire had wanted to ask, only to discover that in her stead a thing was speaking, using a far too low voice with an uncharacteristic timbre. She had shut its mouth so forcefully the clicking of its teeth had echoed through the room unnaturally loud. The sound had resonated in her head like the shriek of something dying.

A complete self-examination revealed the full extent of the transformation. She had methodically observed every change, reporting everything to her fellow Elements, who had at that point hovered nearby, watching her with something akin to appalled fascination.

At that point it had still considered itself as Sapphire, had considered itself as a she, even though something undeniably horrible had happened to her.

Her body was male now, her human body that is. That alone would have been a shock, but she might have been able to cope with it, if there hadn’t been more. There was more, however, much more.

Her first instinctive reaction had been to leave. Surely reverting to her natural form should eradicate all unwanted changes. She had tried and failed. Discovering that she was trapped in this human form, this human male form had been the second shock; it had also caused her first panic-attack.

Her self-examination had grown more frantic then. She had tried to draw on her abilities as an Element and she had failed again. She still had the theoretical knowledge how to use them, but whenever she had tried, nothing had happened. No, that wasn’t completely true, as some things _had_ happened. Obviously she still possessed _some_ elemental powers, but those weren’t hers. They weren’t Sapphire’s. Instead they were unpredictable, unreliable; they were downright terrifying.

At that point she had tried to reach out with her mind, reach out first to Silver, then to Steel, to touch them, to forge a connection, and to be connected. Both had shied away from her. To Steel’s credit he had immediately apologized and had asked her to try again. He had promised that this time he would allow the connection, but when she finally _had_ made contact the revulsion she had encountered from him had caused her to withdraw immediately.

This had been the final blow to her: understanding that she had ceased being Sapphire, that she had become something else, that she had become an _it_.

***

During the first days, both Silver and Steel had offered assurances. “We will fix this,” they had said. “We will fix _you_ ,” they had clarified later.

Eventually the time between their visits had grown longer. The intervals had gradually lengthened, a process hard to be noticed, but of course it had nothing else to do, nothing else but sit and wait … and wait … and wait.

***

Later, days came and went by. Those days were always too long, yet the nights were even longer and together both turned into a relentless procession of endless conformity.

Its terror turned into apathy. There would be no rescue and no reprieve.

Every word and every gesture felt like being drenched in molasses. Everything was too exhausting. Even maintaining this body, unwanted and unloved, was too much of a burden.

Better not to speak, better not to move, maybe the pain would be less then. The only way out seemed to be making oneself small, to retreat into one’s self, and to shut everything else out.

***

Its strength waning, its mind slipping, the last days felt like a dream — a dream that deepened ever so slightly until only one spark remained. It flickered, just for a little while; then it died.


End file.
